In 1789, Ben Franklin famously wrote a letter stating: “Our new Constitution is now established, and everything seems to promise it will be durable, but, in this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” While this witty statement is well-known and often quoted, I believe he omitted one additional certainty we all will encounter - Conflict.
Imperfect humans in relationship with other imperfect humans means conflict is an eventuality, lurking around each-and-every interaction. All it takes is another opinion, an inferred meaning, a perceived tone, an unintentional slight etc. and we are heading fast to conflict that can be painful to experience.
Frankly, as a psychologist to businesses and families for the past 27 years, helping others deal successfully with conflict has been the cornerstone of my work and I am convinced I will never lack job security! One lesson I have learned is that having a high degree of business success, prestige, power, or money does not equate to having the necessary skills to manage conflict in a healthy way. And make no mistake…dealing successfully with conflict is indeed a skill and the good news is that with all skills, it can be cultivated and grown.
There are many approaches to dealing with the rather complex layers of conflict. I find some are helpful and some are not, but my go-to resource for wisdom is the power of scripture to help me frame and deal with conflict in the best possible way.
For the purposes of this brief article, the first strategy to navigate conflict is to deal with the emotions involved that provide the energy to potentially drive the conflict into real relational damage. Ephesians 4:31, which says “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away [from us], along with malice.” For me, this verse instructs that there is one emotion I must be most wary of as conflict begins to surface between myself and someone else; that is the emotion of anger.
Many social scientists have suggested that anger is not just a single emotion but rather a continuum of emotions ranging from frustration all the way to rage. I find this to be helpful in examining my own heart when I am feeling an emotion approximating anger and sin may be beckoning at the door (Gen 4:7). And if we are not careful, anger can eventually morph into bitterness, which can choke off our very connection with God (Hebrews 12:15).
Some versions of Ephesians 4:31 tell us we are to “put off anger,” but how do we do that? I find a necessary first step is to get people to identify what vulnerable emotions may be underneath the anger such as hurt, fear or stress, or even feeling judged or misunderstood. If a person can identify their vulnerable emotions, then they are now positioned to communicate with their conflict partner as opposed to fighting with them. And communication is the key to successfully navigate conflict, but we must first acknowledge the power of our emotions, particularly anger, that can set us up to communicate effectively to a satisfactory resolution or will keep us stuck in bitterness which leads to no progress. As the old saying goes: “Deal with our emotions or they will deal with us.” This is only the first step in healthy conflict resolution but the one on which all other steps depend.
Prayer: “Father, please give me the courage to face honestly what I feel and to help me put aside any anger or bitterness I may be feeling towards someone so that I honor you and the relationships you entrust to me. Amen.”